I have been 0.2 away from my sixty pound weight loss goal for over two weeks and I set it in my mind that the loss is coming each Thursday when I step on the scale. While I was extremely content to have maintained my weight at the last weigh in, I felt ready to really take on the challenge this week. I sat down with my workout schedule, yes I have to make one every week. I write out the days of the week, what I plan to do on those days and for how long.
I went to the grocery store and stocked up on my produce and fish. I allowed enough WW PointsPlus for a party I attended, Thursday night and indulged just a bit. I didn’t go overboard, but I didn’t feel deprived either. I stepped on the scale and had lost 0.8 the next morning. I had continued to drink tons of water, and track my food intake. You know all the stuff I always do.
I hosted a holiday party at my house and still did not over-indulge in anything. I had a few bites of a few things that I wanted to taste, but still I was perfectly in my PP range for the day. I had some major stress on Saturday when the hubby and I were not getting along very well. I have been suffering from some depression the past few weeks and even though I have been open to him and only one friend about it, it kind of all just came to a head on Saturday. Apparently my depression has been weighing on both of us. I did not turn to food. This has been a major change in my life. I haven’t suffered from full on depression in a long time, but in the past when I am stressed or really sad, I will turn to food for comfort and it’s certainly not celery and broccoli.
Grief is a pesky thing. Sometimes you are just forging forward, moving on with your life, remembering the good times, grateful for the time shared with loved ones and then bam, an anniversary, birthday or holiday can just hit you upside the head like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was really getting into the holiday spirit, but while shopping, I have seen so many ornaments and gifts that I think, wow, my sister, Brandi would have loved this. And then I am just hit with a sudden sadness and I feel like I can’t even breathe and I have to walk away from whatever it is immediately to keep from falling to the floor and having and ugly cry. I haven’t really shared this because I know it has been almost four years since my sister passed away, but I sure do miss her and I miss her even more right now. Christmas was our time to be together whether it was at her house or mine. I just loved riding in the car with her, our kids and husbands, looking at Christmas light displays and joking around. It’s a tough thing to grasp when you know that you will never have that again.
Sunday is where I went down hill. I put on an emotional bandage, which we all know a bandage is only temporary. We decided to celebrate Noel’s birthday a day early and I did great at lunch. We went out for ice cream and that’s where I just began to lose control. I had three half scoops (about 1/2 cup each) instead of my usual one or two. Then I shared some of my husband’s sundae. I went to the store later and discovered that they had dark chocolate covered peppermint pretzels and white chocolate ones as well. I bought a bag of both. I didn’t eat them alone, but I ate. Later I ate some candied pecans that were given to me as a gift. I had never had them before and thought I would just try a few. I ended up eating close to a cup of them. Then I went on to a rice pudding and finished my night off eating tortilla chips with melted cheese on top at 10 PM. So, I pretty much broke away from all of my habits and usual daily do’s and don’ts.
I went to bed knowing that I had lost control and not just because my stomach was cursing me from the inside. I made a vow to get up and get back on track. I knew that I could not undo the damage that I had already done. I wasn’t going to run to the pharmacy for a laxative or eat 10 apples and hope to rid my body of the evidence that I indeed screwed up BIG time. I’m not like that. Being accountable to me is admitting that I had a moment or ten of weakness and then trying to do better.
