Twas the night before the tour and all through our house
several creatures were stirring, the dog, the kids and probably a mouse
the handlebars on my bike were newly wrapped with care
and hopes of staying in the saddle and not busting my derriere
Within the hour I should be getting ready for bed
so that visions of crossing the finish line dance in my head
with me in my spray tan and my laptop on my lap
I am looking online at the 62 mile route map
Often, time feels like a healer after a loss and others, time feels like the cruelest punishment on the face of the planet. Today for some reason became one of those punishment days. I was driving myself to REI to look at bike shorts to investigate if there is something out there with super-duper padding in the seat and no matter what the cost, I was prepared to pay for them if found. The thought of five or more hours in the old saddle makes me cringe and walk a little funny.
I was driving along, listening to one of those boy band songs, there are so many, I can’t even tell you what it was. It was peppy, I was in a pretty good mood thinking about the Tour ride and how so many of you helped me raise over $1,200. I was feeling blessed and grateful when all of a sudden, my chest felt tight and this little voice from way back or deep down uttered these words, “you know no matter how much money you raise, it won’t bring your Brandi back!”. Just like that, the seed was planted from the far off place that I didn’t know even existed in my being. I was trying to fight back the tears. Of course it wouldn’t, I knew that. I’m riding in hopes to stop someone else from losing their life or potentially to find a cure for diabetes. I’ve been focusing more on the people in my life living with diabetes rather than the incredible one that I lost to diabetes.
I fought it off pretty well until after I left REI. Shorts were found without having to take out a second mortgage and they appear that I am wearing a super absorbent diaper, which is exactly what I was going for. My mood just slipped down, down, down.
I headed to the gym after signing up this morning last-minute for hot yoga. I went to yoga, thinking that after I left class, I would feel a sense of renewal and a release, but I couldn’t shake it. On the way home, I began sobbing like I haven’t done in a long while. Hands clutched tightly on the wheel, screams of pain and anger and deep void filled my car. Thought I was done, but no, after bathing my dog and picking round, sticky thistles from her face and head, and getting my own shower, I found myself falling to the floor in my closet, thinking of my sister’s face on the back of my bike shirt. I pounded my fists, I screamed, I tried to grab onto anything that could offer me any kind of comfort at all, yet there was nothing. I sat alone, wrapped in a wet towel actually contemplating making a deal with God to send my sister back some way.
I wasn’t quite sure why I chose to write about this. Sometimes I’m very open about my emotions and other times I am very reserved. I’m not writing this looking for sympathy. I think in all honesty I am writing to appeal to those of you that put your poor health on the back burner, to those of you that tell yourself that you’ll do something next week, those that say, “it’s not going to happen to me”, those that think they are going to cheat death no matter what they do, text while driving, drink while driving, eat garbage, never exercise,thinking I’ll never get diabetes, never develop high blood pressure . What I hope all of you understand is that there is always someone who is left behind that you love and loves you and it is incredibly painful.
I do want to make a very heartfelt thank you here for your donations and support. For someone who is rarely at a loss for words, there truly are none except thank you!
If you were looking for a person who is lacking in organization and just seems to be falling apart, look no further than my home office. Here I am. Boy, oh, boy have I been having a hard time keeping track of anything. I went to the gym this morning to work out with weights and swim only to find that even though I packed my suit and towel, I had no cap, goggles, paddles or bouy. I can do fine with all else except the goggles. I was stuck with weights and cardio at the gym.
In the afternoons, I am so foggy minded and fatigued that I often break into tears. I need my energy in the afternoons the most because that’s when I am running my kids around, making dinner, hanging out with them, helping with homework, etc. By 4 PM, I sometimes have no choice but to lay down on the sofa and close my eyes for 15 – 20 minutes and that is only if time allows. I hate telling my kids that I need to take a nap. Geez, they are just getting home from school. Penelope has been asking me if I’m o.k. constantly and asking if I’m upset or just not feeling well. If a seven year old is picking up on that then it must be very evident that Mommy isn’t right. Read More →
Plateau, plateau, why has thou fallen upon thee? Well, in case you didn’t guess from that ridiculous line, I did NOT reach my 65 pound weight loss goal, yet again. I was floored when I stepped on the scale at Weight Watchers. Tears began to form in my eyes, visions of Krispy Kreme donuts as far as the eye can see danced in my head (that’s always my vision when I think of throwing in the towel), but then reality snapped in and I graciously took my weight record, my PointsPlus tracker, and my weekly hand out, smiled and walked into my meeting. For all of you who think I have this all figured out and I’m so good all of the time and have myself together and for those of you that love a good rambling about someone screwing up, then you’ll love what’s coming next. Read More →
I am not sure if the pounds are decreasing as I have been hoping for, I will find out at my weekly Weight Watchers weigh in, but I do know this: the inches are melting off of me like they are wax I’m a candle (soy based that does not emit any harmful chemicals into the air, that is). I first realized this when I cleaned out a few pairs of pants from my closet because they were too big.
Last Friday night, I was getting ready to go out with friends, if I told you all what concert I was going to, I suspect you would quickly decide to know longer read this blog. All week, I had planned to wear my skinny jeans, heels, and a black sequined tank top (it was quite hot outdoors). I had decided on this ensemble because I have a very limited quantity of clothing at the moment. When I put the top on, it was just hanging off of me. My bra was exposed and not in a sexy, hey look at my peek a boo bra kind of way. I appeared to be wearing an over sized shirt. It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment that I am 18 pounds smaller than the last time I sported my shiny top. I then proceeded to act like a girl, rummaging through my closet, frantically searching for something to wear, proclaiming that I was no longer going, crying, reaching for the phone to call Lori to inform her of my situation. I quickly stopped myself because I know my friend well enough to know that she would have shown up at my house and told me I was being ridiculous and then constructed a paper sack into a fashionable dress. I was going and that was that. I hated what I wore, but it also made me accept that just because I am not at my goal weight, it’s o.k. to buy clothes that look good now. Read More →
I didn’t make it to weigh in last week at Weight Watchers because I was chaperoning a field trip, but I have been very focused as far as what I am eating, you know the routine by now: look up WW PointsPlus values, measure the amount of food, write down the PointsPlus in my tracker, drink my water, eat produce, watch my sodium and sugar intake.
I took a few days off of working out last week after taking a little fall down the staircase in my house. That one still makes me laugh every time I think about what I must have looked like in a mad attempt to try to stop myself from falling. I hit my back so hard that I knocked the wind out of myself for a minute. I’m all healed up. Read More →
Yesterday, on my Facebook page, I posted a video covering the story of Dick and Rick Hoyt, the father and son triathletes. Rick is confined to a wheelchair and Dick, his father races for both of them, carrying Rick, swimming with him in tow, cycling with Rick on a bike seat, and running with Rick while pushing him in a wheelchair. This is all done at the Iron Man triathlon. If you’ve never heard of them or seen them in action, you will be inspired and moved by their story. I’m not sure why I was thinking about them and decided to look them up and post the video, but as I was out riding my bike alone, tonight, I think I understand what was deep inside of me and somehow surfaced tonight.
I really didn’t want to bike, tonight. I’m pretty beat by 5 PM and at that time it sometimes feels like my day is starting over for the second time with homework, kid’s practices, dinner to make, and all of the extra nightly tasks. I knew that I needed to get more weekly miles in to build myself up for that 62 mile ride in 16 days. While I was riding along and beginning to enjoy myself, a little bit of fear and insecurity began to seep into my mind and I began to question if I can ride a full 62 miles in one day. Then I began thinking about why I’m riding and it occurred to me that this ride is not about me or how I feel. Read More →
